Great Day

I had a terrific Mother's day - even without my Mom - not that I did not think of her all day! I love my Mom and Miss her terribly. she was a terrific mom! she was an inspiration to me throughout my entire life - even now when she is not here - I still find myself thinking about what she would do - what she would say etc.... Today was good because my family let me just relax. I slept in - I had a great time at church - then I went to a great movie with Kari - my oldest. That was after I received great presents - a Kindle, perfume and candy. All three of my girls called or wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I had a great dinner and kisses from my granddaughter.

Family is all we have. Being a mom can be a thankless job - but God entrusts us to teach our children right and wrong. Although there are times I feel like I fail - I trust that the seeds were planted and they will all grow up into the wonderful young women I know they are. My mom went through her trials with each of us - but we all turned out okay in the end!! So happy mothers day Mom. Thank you for your love! And thank you my dear family for a GREAT DAY!!

Flowers and memories...

I needed some flower therapy tonight....it is the one thing I know I inherited from my mom and dad. They were excellent gardeners. Dad kept an immaculate yard and mom had a green thumb. Tonight I couldn't help thinking about them as Kari and I planted flowers. I miss them. I miss them so much I still cry every night before I go to bed...it feels so weird to not have parents. It irks me to hear kids complain about their parents all day long when I would give anything to just tell mine that I love them - just one more time.

The other night Ashley was looking at pictures on my laptop when a picture of my dad popped up and Anneshia said PAPA...and I cried ..I am crying now. She loved him and yet she will never remember him. she will not know what an awesome man he was...how he taught me so much about life and living things - so I planted my flowers in honor of my mom and dad...so when I look at each bloom and water each flower - I will add something beautiful to this life like they added beauty to mine!!

Family can be messy...

I will never win a mother of the year award. My family puts the fun in dysfunctional - LOL - borrowed that from another family member. I could however win a love my family with all my heart and soul award!!! But family can be messy. I currently have two daughters, one son-in-law and a granddaughter all living with me and my hubby. It is noisy and crazy. But i would do anything for my children and my grandchildren. I pray for them each and everyday and I would do anything for them...and sometimes that includes saying no.

One of my daughters is out of control...she has borderline personality disorder and she refuses to get treatment. Out of respect for her privacy - I will not use her name here. I worry about her. She can be the sweetest person on the face of this earth and the next minute be so angry that it scares people in this family. I have decided after 5 years of dealing with this that I cannot do it anymore. I will love from afar. I will continue to pray for her daily. She has hurt me with her lies, hurt me with her words and hurt others in our family. I know she thinks I am just doing this to be mean - but I really really love her. But I can't make her better and God has really been telling me that I need to let go and let Him handle it.

That is one thing that is very difficult for me - I don't let go and sometimes I am the mess in this messy family. So I am working on letting go and letting God. I am holding on to the fact that I know I raised my girls right and that they know the ways of God...so I hope someday she will turn back to God. I ask you my friends to pray for her, pray for me and pray for my family. We can be a mess - a friend told me recently that my family has more drama than a soap opera - LOL - but we are my mess and I love my family with all my heart and soul!!!

Life worth living....

I will no longer take my life for granted. It is amazing to me that Dad was here and I was with him and just 36 hours later he was gone. I have memories - lots and lots of memories - because my parents knew how to live life. My dad had friends... that is one area I have neglected. It is not that I am unfriendly - I just tend to get wrapped up in my own life and career and forget that life is not about working and paying bills and routines - but about LIVING!!!! So I vow to call my friends more often... to plan spontaneous things with my hubby...to go outside and play more with Anneshia...to take a vacation every year...I want to create memories.

There is a line in the song we played at my dad's funeral that goes, "But memory is one gift of God that death can not destroy." So I vow to live my life and share my time God allows me to live on this earth creating memories...I guess I am creating my own bucket list of sorts - I know it sounds morbid - but I really feel the need to kick life into high gear and LIVE.....and LAUGH and LOVE!!!!

Unexpected suprises

Today is my youngest daughters 19th birthday. When I think back to this day, I can't help but stop and think of what an unexpected suprise she was. You know how they say biorth control pills are 99.9% effective - well my daughter is one of the .1%!!! And then she unexpectedly made her entrance into this world - not at the hospital - but with one small push in a friend's bathroom. And she has continued to suprise me over and over again. sometimes the suprises are good - sometimes they have been not so good - but isn't that true with all of our children??? I think our heavenly Father goes through the same thing with us - not that we suprise Him, but sometimes we do things that He likes, but other times we disappoint Him. But just like my love for my daughter never fails - His love never fails!!!

So today, I celebrate my daughter's birthday and my love for her. I also pray to my heavenly Father on her behalf - because she needs some intervention right now (don't we all?). so God Bless You my baby girl!!!

Lord take this cup....

Sunday as I sat in church and listened to Pastor mark preach a familar story...I understood now more than ever what Jesus felt when he prayed in Luke 22:42 - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Now before someone says - my suffering is not at all like Jesus' - I KNOW - but my current suffering is a heavy burden for me!!! And it just seems to keep on coming.
I told one of my girls - I feel like an orphan - they said - you are too old to be an orphan. But what can ever prepare you for having both of your parents gone?

Today I completed my first full day back at work...and my first instinct was to want to call my dad and tell him how my day was. Then my suster sent me pictures of writing on my dad's driveway from the neighbor girls...messages so sweet about how they missed my dad. Last night I cried myself to sleep wondering why all this has been happening to me....so so much over the last 5 years...i want to shout - LORD _ TAKE THIS CUP!!!!! But the verse goes on - it is not my will - but God's will that needs to be done. He must have some plan for me - so I will just say - thy will be done.

Loss

Today I lost the first man I ever loved. My dad, my hero, my friend and so many other things to me died unexpectedly. I am so thankful that I spent all weekend with him and several days last week! The emotiness that fills my heart right now is indescribable. I am in shock. I am sad. My head knows he is in Heaven  - not only with God but also with my mom - whom he has missed so much since she passed almost 5 years ago. They had a love that inspired me - that taught me how a marriage should be. I am glad they are together.
But I am sad for the rest of us - I am selfish today - I want them here with me. I want to laugh with them. I wanted so many times to pick up the phone today and call my dad - it was almost a daily ritual.

I would write more about how I am feeling - but the tears have dried out my eyes. I am exhausted - I feel lost!!

Here is a picture of me and my dad right after my graduation last year - I love you Dad!!