Friday, February 21, 2014


I am lonely. I miss my mother! She was the only one whom I could tell everything to, cry with and reassure me everything will be ok!

You see, I don't have very many close friends! I am very jealous of people who get to go to lunch, out for dinner or a movie with their girl friends! I don't have that! I need that! My life has changed so drastically in the last 6 months and I feel so alone! I cry driving to and from work because I hurt. I cry going to sleep because there is so much I want to tell someone!

I know those who read this are going to say.... Pray... Give it to God. I pray... I try! But when you are 44 and find yourself raising 4 young ones and you canny celebrate Valentines Day or your birthday.... You have one who has anger and behavior issues .... Not even to mention the problems with some of my own children.... I get angry!

I don't understand Why!

Now I am facing a diagnosis of a major medical issue. I have put back on almost all my weight from stress and sadness and I look up and say why? I wish I could just have a friend! One really really really good friend! One I could call and say... Let me cry!

This is supposed to be the prime of my life!

Tim tries, but there is something about women's friendships!

Thanks for letting me vent!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Looking in the mirror

Today I felt like a failure. I was sitting in the dressing room with Anneshia...trying on Christmas dresses for her, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and felt like a failure. I have put on a lot of the weight I worked so hard to get off. I even posted on FB that I felt like a failure...and what one person said...combined with the talk tonight at church....made me reflect on. That feeling.

I am focusing on a different part of my life right now. I have little ones who need my time and attention. I have students who need lessons that grow their minds. I have a husband to show love to and a church to serve at. I am not a failure....I am just changing where my focus is.... I spent the last 2 years trying to get skinny, basking in the compliments and being prideful.... Not focusing really on my health. I spent so much time and energy focusing on trying to become a champion and reach a club for big losers that I lost sight of why I was doing it and God let this " failure" happen to remind me of where my focus needs to be.

I will get healthy. I will find wys to balance my life to be able to get some exercise, but it needs to be in balance. There are to many priorities in life right now.... Need to focus on what God lays on my heart and quit being
selfish!!!!! I am not a failure...I am a beautiful, loving, intelligent daughter of the King and no one can take that from me!!!

Monday, November 18, 2013

In Jesus Name

I have been through a lot of sermons, messages, lessons and talks in my many years in church. Yet, this weekend really hit a chord with me!

It wasn't anything in particular that was said but the words Jesus name kept going over and over in my mind, my heart, and my soul.

Maybe it's the chaos my life has become recently....although things are settling down. Maybe it's the chaos my children's lives are, but I started to wonder if it's because we are not truly focusing on Him. When I teach....although I can't mention I doing it for Him?

When I shower my two grand kids that live with me with kisses and correct them when they are I doing it in Jesus' name?

I don't mean to go all theological, hyperChristian.....but am I really 100 percent sold out? Do I Live for him? Or is this a battle I need to try to fight harder Paul wrote I am crucified with Christ.....have I truly had my own selfish person I let Christ reign in my life????

I am not saying my life would be perfect, without trials and tribulations, if I was completely sold out....but wouldn't my perspective be different?

As I ponder this...your thoughts and ideas are always welcome!!!!!


Monday, October 28, 2013

Backwards...or forwards..Fighting the thing

A lot has happened since I last posted! I have gained another child in the house. Steven, our grandson, has come to live with us. It has been a little stressful, but we are making it!

The worst thing is my weight. I try and not stress eat but I do it anyways. I have put on about 25 pounds. I cry over it. I get mad over it, but it's a reality. I don't have the strength or energy right now to deal with it. Steven takes a lot of energy right now as he is getting used to so much. I can't workout like I was....I try to make shakes but I just don't get anywhere.

I also thing I am a little mad. Some people that were supposed to be my friends stopped talking to me because I wasn't progressing in the business. It has really hurt me a lot. Then I found out they were talking about me to other people...that hurt even more. One person even recorded what was said. I cried.

So I think I gave up on me for a little while. why? Because I let the thing back in that Satan uses to get me to self sabotage. I do not have a great self esteem. It surprises me when people compliment me. I think it is easier for me to hide behind the fat person then to face rejection of people. Satan knows that's my thing and I let the thing back in.

So the question I continue to go backwards or do I try and move forward? I choose to look at the thing and work on the thing and then get the thing under control and then try again!  So for now, no diet updates. Instead I need to focus on getting my self sabotage out of my life. Your prayers   would be appreciated!!!


Sunday, September 15, 2013

Take the rosé colored glasses off

The last few weeks have been really eye opening. I have started an amazing new job and am working with the most amazing group of kids and teachers. I have spent some great quality time with my family and my life is very happy. Except for one area. I was dropped by some friends. And it hurt. It all started when I did my climb of Pikes Peak instead of another trip. No, it started before that and it hurts.

It hurt to the point that I reverted back to some old eating habits. I am an emotional eater and when I hurt, I eat. I will soon be getting some help for that. These are people I truly thought had become lifetime friends. But apparently, it was a friendship only when I was doing what they wanted and was building for them. What hurts the most is that these were Christian friends. We even went to Bible study together until their beliefs did not match up with ours. I will not put down their beliefs, but I can't sit in a situation when I feel uncomfortable. And that's when the cracks in the relationship began.

I miss the camaraderie. I really miss the support. I do not miss the being judged. I do not miss being told I don't believe if I don't attend a certain event etc... I truly believe 100% in what I was doing. It works, the health side of it. The business side just didn't for us. I realize now I was just meant to be a teacher and its where God wants me to be. My principal told me that the other dy....that he is glad I am there because he can tell students are learning in my class. That's confirmation for me.

So I say goodbye. Goodbye to people that had really ment a lot to me. Goodbye to people that supported me through a tough battle. But I also say hello. Hello to a person who knows what she is capable of and will fight to the end to achieve my goals. Hello to someone who will make sure her friends are never left out. Hello to spending more time with my best friend. And one who will never let pride or the thought of riches distract me from the plan God has for me. I am ready to go on a great adventure.


Wednesday, September 4, 2013


Ever feel like life is a constant battle?? I think it's because this is not our home. Recently I have been battling just giving up on my weightless. I have been stuck in a plateau, then a lot of family stress and I find excuses and more excuses!

Then when your cheering section turns out not to really cheer for becomes a battle,but I find comfort in knowing who will ultimately will win! See I have determination but even more importantly, I have a God bigger than hypocritical friend, bigger than the number on the scale, bigger than my bank account etc.... He is all I need.

So when I run in the morning, I run with Him. When I drink that extra 20 Ozzie of water, it's by His grace!

I have a new chance to do it right this time. Instead of trying to do it by myself, although it was a great product and I am still 100% committed to it.... I am now on the GOD diet! Cravings.... Prayer..... Running pain.....prayer.

I am turning to people who love God and have been where I am and where I was!!! I will finish my goal!!!!it is a battle, but I have the greatest army on my side!!!!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Live, Laugh and Love: Conquering Pikes Peak

Live, Laugh and Love: Conquering Pikes Peak: Anyone who knows me, knows my story - as far as it is written. I have had a lot of  success with weight loss and have been training for the ...